Fuzz Townshend’s Advice For New Drivers

There is absolutely nothing duller than an ancient, gnarled, wizened old driver giving it the old ‘don’t do this, don’t do that.’

Worry not, you new drivers out there, I’m not about to grind your gears regarding driving techniques. There will be no ‘mirror – signal – manoeuvre’ here if, indeed, that is a ‘thing’ anymore.

Rather, I’d like to relay a few tales, cautionary in nature, perhaps, but hopefully amusing.

Be careful out there. There are some idiots on the road. I know, because sometimes I have been one.

As a TV mechanic, that is, a mechanic appearing on TV shows (please don’t ask me to repair your telly), I am expected to be able to fix my way out of any mechanical malady suffered by vehicles I may be travelling in.

The reality is that I sometimes find myself standing forlorn near my stranded machine, which of course elicits hoots of derision from passing motorists, delighted to see the mighty fallen.

I totally get it, but I’m not here asking for assistance, at least not from passing motorists, because often breakdowns happen in dangerous places, such as on motorways and busy A roads. In such cases, and if safe to do so, get yourself and any passengers away from the car to a safe location.

If you have hi-vis and warm clothing easily to hand on your exit, that’s a bonus. An emergency tuck box, with nutritious, hearty snacks and fluids can help make the experience less miserable, and placing a warning triangle well behind your broken ride can assist other drivers in circumnavigating the now hazardous lump.

Such situations are improved by having relevant emergency assistance cover, but being able to call and remain in contact with the control centre is much less stressful if you have a fully charged mobile phone with you. A charged tracker in your car might help others to find you if you’ve had a bit of an ‘off.’

Get me a long stand

My most recent long stand at the roadside was due to an irreparable puncture. An unlikely spill from a vehicle carrying nails saw me and four others all calling for assistance at the side of a smart motorway at the same time.

Only one vehicle carried a spare wheel… and it wasn’t mine. My, how the emergency assistance and traffic officers chuckled to see me when they showed up. But show up they did, and assisted us all, redirecting traffic and keeping us as safe as possible, while all the time putting themselves at increased risk.

Bits and pieces

Visible all about the motorway were the carcasses of past failed tyres, mostly probably due to underinflation, reminders of the ‘fails’ of others in this dangerous environment.

The second most common car components littering the roadside were sections of crashed bumpers, front and rear, from moments of minor distraction, misjudged speed and grim road conditions. The ‘What’s That From?’ game quickly loses its’ sparkle in fading light and rain.

Oil be darned

One friend’s failure that I found particularly amusing at the time was relayed as a miserable anecdote following a missed big night out. The event was missed due to my chum having watched the flickering oil can light illuminating on his car’s dashboard, over the course of a few days and mistaking it for a ‘top-up’ warning.

He’d not checked his car’s engine oil level since the day it rolled out of the showroom, nor had he adhered to the service regime. Cue one seized engine, a hefty repair bill, and said missed knees-up.

Good vibrations – Not

There have been many times I have been driving vehicles, when a vibration, slight tug, or a regular rhythmic thump has become noticeable. On none of these occasions has the sound led to a cheerful outcome, barring the fact that I’m still here to tell the tale.

These are almost invariably the sounds and sensations of components detaching from their rightful situation, often tyres, wheels and shafts. The school of ‘let it develop’ is not recommended here.

In conclusion, I’d suggest that new drivers learn to love the journey. Driving is wonderfully absorbing in its own right; the winding undulating roads, the tessellation of traffic and the interaction between driver and machine. Feel, see and hear the connection.

….And don’t forget, ‘Mirror – Signal – Manoeuvre.’

Sorry. I couldn’t resist.